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body piercing charlotte

Poetry, comment and rate?

Battle in which I enter the room, the silence is so loud ringing in my ears, I can not drown. voices calling softly, murmuring my name. Seduce me dark, I know I can not stay. My soul seems be trapped in the voice troubling me draw in. darkness, I hear the beast slowly I loved my destination. A whirlwind white around my body now. Draw me to the light you can see clearly now. Grumpy teeth line the mouth, red eyes on my heart. I am surprised wondering how it all began? It's sweet voice warbles a difficult time, and crying in consternation. My strength is now renovated as I evacuate safely. A great peace filled me, like a summer breeze. I smiled and finally conquered the beast that has grown in me. Copyright © 2008 Charlotte Ann McFarland The two occurrences of "now" is a bit awkward Can you suggest a better word?

Hi Charlotte, I not the rate of poetry in general, but I can give some comments (you can use or ignore at his discretion). I'll just make a statement and I mean nothing of leaving a harsh tone, but it's hard to say on the Internet for what it is worth noting. Here goes: In a word, no two. Take care The line changes. Line breaks are more effective when they lead a reader into the poem. Try to make your breaks in the concrete nouns and verbs poems that give them a sense of layering and texture. Stay away, in general, the breaking of words such as "a" or "." In general, the image to say more with less, or the room starts to resemble a large number of prose. One thing I liked what I fact was that there was no action in writing. Often, you can feel poems too static and lifeless. I think some work, Bands conscious down, you could build something here. Of course, this is just my opinion. Best, Todd

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